You might know you’re people pleasing. You might even understand where it comes from. But knowing why you do something doesn’t always make it easier to stop.
You still say yes when you want to say no. You overthink how other people feel about you. You feel guilty when you set a boundary, or find yourself taking responsibility for emotions that aren’t yours to manage.
This is where CBT can be incredibly useful. We look at what is happening in those moments — the thoughts, assumptions and beliefs driving the pattern — and work on changing not just how you think, but how you respond.
My approach to CBT is practical, collaborative and compassionate. I’m interested in helping you understand yourself, but I don’t want therapy to stop at understanding. The work is about helping you actually do things differently — set the boundary, put yourself first, challenge old beliefs and gradually build a different relationship with yourself and other people.
I used to put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be the perfect daughter and girlfriend, to never get things wrong and to keep other people happy. I wanted to please people all the time, and that fed into a lot of anxiety, negative thinking and rumination.
Within just three sessions, Ludo helped me understand where my perfectionism and need to please other people were coming from. That understanding made a huge difference. She also gave me practical tools to work with my thoughts and beliefs, so I now understand the process and feel much more confident using it independently.
How CBT Therapy Can Help
CBT looks at the relationship between what you think, how you feel and what you do. But a big part of my work goes deeper than simply challenging individual thoughts. We look at the invisible rules you’ve learned to live by.
These are often rigid, unspoken rules that quietly shape how you behave with other people:
I need everyone to like me.
I must help people when they need me.
I need to keep other people happy.
I must avoid conflict at all costs.
I shouldn’t disappoint anyone.
If someone is upset with me, I’ve done something wrong.
You may not consciously choose these rules — in fact, you might not even realise they’re there. But they can influence everything from saying yes when you want to say no, to over-explaining yourself, avoiding difficult conversations or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
In CBT, I work with you to identify these invisible rules, understand where they came from and, most importantly, test whether they still serve you.
The aim isn’t to replace them with another set of rigid rules. It’s to develop more flexible beliefs that allow you to make choices based on what you actually think, feel and need — rather than automatically organising your life around other people.
People Pleasing
The invisible rule: “I need people to like me.”
When being liked feels like a requirement rather than a preference, you start adapting yourself around other people. You say yes when you mean no, agree when you disagree and monitor whether everyone is happy with you. We work on loosening that rule so that being disliked, disappointing someone or simply having different needs no longer feels like something you have to prevent.
Anxiety & Overthinking
The invisible rule: “I need to know that everything is going to be okay.”
Anxiety often creates a demand for certainty. You replay conversations, analyse messages, prepare for every possible outcome or look for reassurance because uncertainty feels unsafe. We work on changing your relationship with uncertainty — learning that you don’t have to solve every possibility before you can move forward.
Low Self-Esteem
The invisible rule: “I need to prove that I’m good enough.”
When your sense of worth depends on what you achieve, how useful you are or what other people think of you, life can become a constant attempt to earn your place. We look at the beliefs underneath this rule and begin separating who you are from what you do for other people.
Perfectionism
The invisible rule: “I’m not allowed to get it wrong.”
Perfectionism can make mistakes feel much bigger than mistakes. They can feel like evidence that you’re inadequate, incompetent or have let someone down. We work on challenging the standards you hold yourself to and experimenting with what happens when good enough is allowed to be enough.
Boundaries & Assertiveness
The invisible rule: “I must not upset or disappoint people.”
This rule can make a simple no feel incredibly difficult. You might over-explain, soften what you really mean, agree to things you don’t want or set a boundary and then immediately feel guilty about it. We work on learning that someone else’s disappointment doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong — and that you can tolerate another person’s reaction without abandoning your own needs.
Research & Clinical Insight
Want to understand the psychology behind people pleasing?
I have also created an in-depth People-Pleasing Research Review, bringing together psychological research on people pleasing, self-sacrifice, approval seeking, boundaries, attachment and related patterns. It explores what the research tells us about why these behaviours develop, how they are maintained, and what can help people begin to change them.
Read the People-Pleasing Research Review →CBT for People Pleasing
People pleasing rarely starts with “I want to please everyone.” More often, it starts with a rule that feels completely reasonable to you:
I should help if I can.
I shouldn’t be difficult.
I need to be a good person.
I shouldn’t upset people.
Other people’s needs should come before mine.
The problem is that when these rules become rigid, they leave very little room for you.
Someone asks you for something. Your immediate thought might be “I can’t say no.” You feel anxious or guilty, so you say yes. In the short term, the discomfort disappears. But later you may feel resentful, exhausted or frustrated with yourself.
This is one of the cycles I work on in CBT.
We identify the invisible rule underneath the behaviour, look at the predictions keeping it alive and then test what happens when you begin breaking the rule in small, deliberate ways.
You might say no without giving a long explanation. Allow someone to be disappointed with you. Express a different opinion. Ask for something you need. Or simply stop fixing a situation that isn’t yours to fix.
The aim isn’t to become less caring. It’s to reach a point where being caring is something you choose, rather than something you feel you have to do.
If you’d like professional support applying CBT to your own people-pleasing patterns, learn more about my CBT therapy for people pleasing.
Want to understand the pattern more deeply?
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My approach is warm, open-minded and flexible, but it also has structure. I don’t believe therapy needs to follow a rigid formula, because people don’t fit neatly into formulas. At the same time, I don’t want our sessions to become conversations that feel interesting in the moment but never really go anywhere.
I work best with people who are motivated to understand themselves and are willing to take the work seriously. You don’t need to arrive knowing exactly what to do, and you certainly don’t need to get everything “right”. But I will ask you to be curious, honest and willing to experiment with doing things differently.
Our sessions usually have a focus. We’ll look at what has happened since we last spoke, decide what feels important to work on, explore the thoughts, beliefs and invisible rules underneath the problem, and think together about what you can take into the week ahead.
I’m also very open-minded. I’m not interested in telling you how you should live your life or imposing my values on you. My role is to help you understand the rules you’re already living by — particularly the ones you never consciously chose — and decide whether they still work for you.
I’ll support you, but I’ll also challenge you. Sometimes therapy means compassion and understanding. Sometimes it means noticing that you already understand the pattern extremely well — and that the next step is being willing to do something different.
Therapy, Coaching — or Both?
Therapy and coaching are often talked about as though they are completely separate things. In my work, there is often a useful overlap between the two.
Therapy helps us understand the pattern. Coaching helps us do something with that understanding.
CBT naturally sits somewhere between the two. We may explore where a belief came from, why a particular invisible rule developed and what keeps it going today. But I’m also interested in what happens next: What are you going to do differently? What are we going to test? What would change actually look like in your life?
This is why I often bring a coaching style into my therapeutic work. I can be reflective and exploratory when that is what you need, but I can also be practical, structured and goal-focused when it’s time to move forward.
For example, understanding that you learned “I must keep everyone happy” can be an important piece of therapeutic work. But eventually we also need to find out what happens when you stop following that rule.
That might mean setting a boundary, having a difficult conversation, making a decision without seeking reassurance or allowing someone to be disappointed with you.
For me, insight and action belong together. Understanding yourself matters — but ultimately, I want that understanding to translate into something changing in the way you live.
So Which One Do I Need?
You don’t necessarily need to decide that before we meet. Some people come to me wanting to work through long-standing emotional patterns; others are much more focused on a specific change they want to make.We can talk about what you’re struggling with, what you want from the work and whether therapy, coaching, or an approach drawing on both is the most appropriate fit.
My approach Is Collaborative
I’m not interested in sitting back and analysing you while you do all the talking. CBT is collaborative. We’ll make sense of what’s happening together, decide what we want to test and regularly look at whether the work is actually helping.I’ll challenge you when I think it will be useful, but I’ll also want to understand why a pattern makes sense before we try to change it.
Between Sessions
Some of the most important work happens between sessions. We may agree on a behavioural experiment, track a particular pattern, practise a boundary or notice when one of your invisible rules appears during the week.
The goal isn’t to give you homework for the sake of homework.
It’s to take what we discover in therapy and see what happens when you use it in real life.
Frequently Asked Questions
Find answers to the most common questions about my services.
I offer 10-session and 20-session CBT packages, as well as a pay-as-you-go option.
The 10-session package can work well when you have a clear area you want to focus on and are ready to work actively towards change. The 20-session package gives us more time to work with longer-standing or more complex patterns, particularly when several difficulties are connected.
If you prefer more flexibility or aren't ready to commit to a package, you can also choose pay as you go.
We can discuss what you're hoping to work on during your initial consultation and decide together which option makes the most sense for you.
Yes. All of my CBT sessions are offered online, so you can attend from a private space that feels comfortable for you.
I’ve worked online with clients for many years, and the sessions are still structured, collaborative and practical. We can share worksheets, review behavioural experiments and work on the same CBT techniques we would use in person.
Online therapy also means we can work together without location or travel becoming another obstacle to fitting therapy into your life.
Most clients start with weekly sessions, particularly at the beginning, as this gives us enough continuity to understand the problem and start creating change. As the work progresses, we may move to fortnightly sessions. I’m flexible, and we can discuss what makes most sense for you and the work we’re doing.
I offer three ways of working, depending on how much flexibility and continuity you're looking for:
Pay as you go — £200 per session
This gives you the most flexibility, with no commitment to a set number of sessions.
10-session package — £1,500 (£150 per session)
A good option if you have a specific area you'd like to work on and want the time to understand the pattern, test new ways of responding and build meaningful change.
20-session package — £2,800 (£140 per session)
Designed for deeper or longer-standing patterns where we may want more time to work across different areas of your life. The longer format gives us continuity while still allowing us to regularly review where you are and what you need.
You don't need to know which option is right for you before we speak. During your initial consultation, we can talk about what you'd like to work on and decide together what makes the most sense.
If you need to cancel or reschedule a session, I ask for at least 24 hours' notice. Cancellations or requests to reschedule made with less than 24 hours' notice, as well as missed appointments, are charged in full.
You are never tied into continuing therapy simply because you have purchased a package. You can choose to pause or end our work at any time.
If you decide to stop before using all of your sessions, the sessions you have attended will be recalculated based on the applicable pricing option, and any remaining balance will be refunded to you.
If you're thinking about ending therapy, I would always encourage you to bring it into the session where possible. Ending therapy can be part of the therapeutic process too, and it gives us an opportunity to reflect on the work we've done, what has changed, and what you want to take forward with you.
Yes. You are never required to continue therapy if you decide that you would like to stop, and you can end your package at any time.
If you end a prepaid package before using all of your sessions, any sessions you have already attended will be recalculated according to the pricing option that corresponds to the number of sessions completed. Any remaining balance will then be refunded to you.
Where possible, I encourage clients to discuss the decision to end therapy with me so that we can review the work we've done and bring our work together to an appropriate close.
Pay-as-you-go sessions are paid individually before each session. Packages are paid in advance before we begin working together.
Payment can be made securely by bank transfer. Once we’ve had your initial consultation and decided how we’ll work together, I’ll send you the payment details and everything you need to get started.
For the 20-session package (£2,800), you can either pay in full or split the cost into two payments of £1,400.
Once payment has been arranged, we’ll agree on the frequency of your sessions and schedule them accordingly.
I am not an emergency or crisis service and cannot provide urgent mental health support between sessions. If you are experiencing an immediate mental health crisis or are concerned about your safety, please contact the appropriate emergency or crisis service where you are located.